09/30/2025

trying out airsoft

long time no see! haven't got the time to really update my blog, hopefully that changes soon. throughout the time i've been away, i've tried experimenting new things i'd always wanted to try out, like, for example, airsoft! thanks to my friend who showed me the ropes, i managed to actually do well on my first ever match. she had let me borrow her uniform — which, by the way, is a perfect replica of the 1980s US military uniform — and her AK-47. i find AKs and their history extremely interesting, so getting to use one was a blast!

the place we went to was a previously abandoned warehouse, something that may sound sketchy, but it's fairly common among the airsoft community to rent places like that for matches. before the actual game had started, me and my friend shot around some junk in order to practice for the real thing, and not to brag or anything, but my aim's quite good. i wasn't even wearing my glasses! you'd be surprised how fun an activity can be when you don't completely suck at it.

the actual matches were fun as well, though i got shot at a lot. airsoft pellets hurt like hell and can leave bruises for weeks on end, but i'd say it was worth it. i even got a hug from an old guy that reeked of beer for saving him in one of the matches, which was pretty cool! contrary to what some people may believe, the majority of airsoft players aren't some edgy teenagers; they're usually middle-aged dads. the cool kind too.

after the game had ended, my friend showed me around the city. living in the countryside made the experience so much more interesting, since it's not every day you get to go to a big city and do big city stuff. it may suck to live there, but when you're visiting it can be really fun. she took me to a museum that displayed old military tanks, and we even got to climb into one! since she knows a lot about tanks, she knew all of the trapdoors and ways to get into the tanks. we took a bunch of pictures, listened to her infodump about all of them, and left.

overall, that was an extremely refreshing experience, and i hope to do that again. my friend suggested us to go to a bigger, more 'serious' place that has plenty of place to roam around. i'm happy i got to do all of that.

08/24/2025

on depression

i was diagnosed with severe depression a few years ago, at a time where i had a really bad episode that had lasted for months. i don't quite remember how i triggered it, but it happened. it's the reason i'm still failing school today and why i can't really hold a job just yet.

it's upsetting because, while i feel like i'm capable of most stuff i wish to do, at the same time i know i would stop myself from doing it if i tried. i had stopped taking care of myself completely, not showering, brushing my teeth, changing clothes, nothing like that. all i could do was lay in bed and occasionally cry.

the funny thing is, i didn't really tell anyone about it; only the people that lived with me knew. the people that didn't were just kind of in the dark the whole time, thinking i randomly disappeared for months on end because i was busy, or dead, or something else. that probably made it a lot worse, since i didn't have support from anyone else, but at least i knew that was my fault, and that people would have cared if i'd told them.

at around that time, i had gotten out of a terrible relationship; that guy got me addicted to everything i have ever tried, and to this day i'm scared of seeing people upset, or seeing their reactions to me being upset. that was likely the reason why it got so bad, but i think all the years of terrible things happening to me had caught up to me. i have a bad habit of brushing emotions and negative events off and acting like it hadn't happened. i had spent the holidays thinking about all that had happened to me that year and the years prior, and that made me spiral and end up in a dark place i still somewhat am in today.

it's hard to get out once you're used to it. it even feels good once you're deep enough in the shit. feels good to not have control of anything, of not doing anything about it because you couldn't even if you tried. i still struggle with things like autonomy, boundaries and other stuff i'm too embarrassed about to ever write and put somewhere where others can see.

but yeah, i'm 18 now, i have a relationship, studying for a career, looking for internship, i can't afford doing what i used to do anymore. it's pretty much a good thing; too much free time spent alone with just my thoughts always ends up terribly. i have people that support me — though i often subconsciously push them away — and i couldn't be more grateful for that.

08/23/2025

my first entry

finally got around coding this thing! took a while to find a design i really liked for this blog. i had originally planned it out to be a hachiware themed journal, but figured i should probably make this cowboy themed, as i have a reocurrent obssession with cowboys and cowboy movies.

i think i've always liked cowboys, though it was a moderate amount at first, but now it's turned out to be a full-blown obssession with them. i've been watching many old west movies recently, my favorites being the good, the bad and the ugly, django unchained and the outlaw josey wales. they're very nice. i also enjoy cowboy fashion very much. something about their bad-ass belts and everything else really captivates me.

i blame this obssession partially on rdr, which i've always liked since i was a kid, and brokeback mountain, a movie that really shaped me as a gay guy. it's not exactly the best movie i've ever seen, but it's amazing in is own way. could be that i'm not exactly a cinephile, so i'm not really hard to please (i enjoyed midsommar, which, according to a bunch of people on letterboxd and my friend in film school, is pretty shit) but frankly, i don't give a shit, if a movie's good to me, it's good.

speaking of movies, i've also been getting into david lynch's movies after watching twin peaks, my hands-down favorite show of all time. blue velvet has ended up being one of my favorite movies ever as well. i enjoy his portrayals of women and queerness, as well as his directing style in general! watched mulholland drive last week, it was amazing. i plan on watching wild at heart next.

today's been a good day, i think. it's my lovely boyfriend's birthday soon, which i'm very excited for. i should tell you about my boyfriend. shi's my #1 fan, and i'm hirs. i'm very grateful for hir, i know shi'll be reading this at some point, so i wanted to include this part – though i tell you this all the time, it doesn't seem nearly enough – i love you! i told you i'd include you in most of my entries, so i couldn't leave you out of this one either.

we're reading together and watching movies tonight, and i'm very excited. one of the movies is "glass onion," my favorite murder mystery movie ever!! i like how satirical it is at times. very funny. very nice. i love you glass onion.

i hope this week'll be a good week.